The Wedding
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FADE IN:

INT. BALLROOM HALL - NIGHT

Decorated in wedding decor. Each table filled with guests.

The DJ, dressed in a kilt, combat boots, jacket, tie, top
hat, and long dark hair, confronts his audience.

The classical music subsides.

DJ
While you sit and enjoy your fabulous
meal, the brother of the bride would like
to make a toast.

Standing up from the head table, ZANE, walks over, grabs the
microphone from the DJ.

ZANE
Thank you...Marilyn. Leave it to my
sister to hire Marilyn Manson as their
special guest DJ.

The crowd chuckles.

ZANE (CONT'D)
First of all, I would like to welcome my
new brother into the family. I don't
think you really know what you got
yourself into. I'm usually not too good
at these things, but I do have a story
for you. Many years ago, I was at home
with my sister, alone. Our parents were
out, probably shopping or something.
Anyways, to show you the kind of passion
and dedication and loyalty my sister
truly encompasses, well, maybe I should
fill you in. I used to tease her a lot.

Someone screams out, "Get on with it".

ZANE (CONT'D)
This one particular day, we were chasing
each other around the house. And I
thought it would be funny if I locked her
out. So I did. She got mad, I remember
her pounding on the door, screaming at
the top of her lungs, literally waking
the dead. The madder she got, the harder
I laughed. That's the passion. Now the
dedication and loyalty kicks in next.
She decides to stick her face up against
the glass, next to the door.
(imitating her)
OPEN THE DOOR! OPEN THE DOOR! All
I saw was a big mouth pressed against the
glass. So I decided to punch the glass.
She drops back, not saying a word. I
open the door concerned. She runs into
the house, holding her tooth in her hand,
which I didn't realize at the time. All
of a sudden I hear. I'm gonna kill you!
This is the dedication part, dedicated to
kill me. Now the loyalty part kicks in,
because her favorite movie was Chucky,
and sure enough she charged me with a
butcher knife, the size of her arm,
raised above her head, blood flying down
her face. Literally my life flashed
before my eyes. All I kept hearing and
seeing was the arm coming down into my
chest. (imitating Chucky) ewk, ewk, ewk.

Her husband jumps out of his seat. Everyone doesn't know
whether to laugh or cry.

ZANE (CONT'D)
I take off running out the door, slamming
it as hard as I could, breaking the door
frame. I didn't care, I took off down
the block. I come back thirty minutes
later, the butcher knife, stuck in the
door. She couldn't remove it. Moral of
the story, don't lock your wife out of
the house.

He raises his glass of red wine for a toast.

MARYROSE, the sister bride, stands up horrified.

MARYROSE
I can't believe you just told everyone
that story!

The DJ grabs the microphone from Zane.

DJ
OK, after the meal we will a...cut the
cake.

Music starts again. Zane downs his glass of wine, laughing,
stumbling off the stage drunk.

INT. BALLROOM HALL, BATHROOM - LATER

Maryrose's older sister, CASANDRA is wiping her dripping
mascara from her face.

MARYROSE
Why is Zane such an asshole? Now my
husband is totally scared of me.

CASANDRA
Well, that's not necessarily a bad thing.

They both laugh.

MARYROSE
I swear he's got a problem.

CASANDRA
We all know he's an alcoholic. Forget
about it. Come on, don't let him spoil
your wedding day.

MARYROSE
You're right. Thanks, Big Sis.

They exit.

INT. BALLROOM HALL - CONTINUOUS

Zane walks over puts his arms around his sisters.

ZANE
Sorry Sis. I thought it would be funny.

CASANDRA
Zane, leave her alone. Don't spoil her
wedding.

ZANE
Fine.

He walks off dancing, carrying his glass of wine. Maryrose
and Casandra start dancing. Maryrose's husband, PHIL,
approaches.

PHIL
Your brother is frigin nuts.

MARYROSE
Let's not talk about him. Dance with me
husband.

The DJ turns off the music.

DJ
Alright, can I have the bride and groom
join me by their cake.

Phil leads Maryrose to the cake.

DJ (CONT'D)
(handing Maryrose the knife)
Hmmm, maybe I shouldn't do this.

He cracks a smile, hands her the knife.

DJ (CONT'D)
Alright everyone.

Music kicks in, everyone sings.

DJ (CONT'D)
(sings)
The bride cuts the cake, the bride cuts
the cake, high ho the merry oh, the bride
cuts the cake.

Maryrose picks up the pice of cake with her fingers.
Everyone starts singing again.

DJ (CONT'D)
The bride feeds the groom, the bride
feeds the groom, high ho the merry oh,
the bride feeds the groom.

Maryrose shoves the cake in Phil's face, smearing it all over
his face.

People go crazy.

DJ (CONT'D)
Oh my God. Napkin please.

Someone runs over a napkin, hands it to Phil.

DJ (CONT'D)
I'm afraid to do this next one. Everyone
ready?

The music kicks back in. Everyone sings.

DJ (CONT'D)
The groom feeds the bride, the groom
feeds the bride, high ho the merry oh,
the groom feeds the bride.

Phil feeds the piece of cake to Maryrose. She takes a bite.
The crowd appreciates that he does not shove it in her face.
Too late.

Phil wipes the cake all over her face. They each grab
another piece of cake and shove it in their faces again.

DJ (CONT'D)
This is crazy.

They kiss, then eat the cake off each other's face.

DJ (CONT'D)
Very romantic.

Phil and Maryrose embrace again.

CUT TO:

INT. BALLROOM HALL - LATER THAT NIGHT

Maryrose is standing next to the DJ, and all the single girls
are crowded behind her.

DJ
On the count of three.

CROWD
One, two, three.

Maryrose throws her bouquet. The bride's maid, PENELOPE,
beautiful blonde, catches it. Everyone cheers.

DJ
Alright, let's see who the lucky guy is
going to be. Come on up Phil, bring all
the single guys.

The guys rush the floor. Music accompanies the count down.

DJ & CROWD
One, two, three.

Phil throws the garter belt. Zane leaps over the crowd,
grabs the garter belt.

PENELOPE
(to Maryrose)
Oh no.

Maryrose laughs, knowing she is in for it.

DJ sits Penelope in the chair, center of the dance floor.
Everyone clears the dance floor. Zane walks up with the
garter belt in his mouth, acting the fool.

ZANE
I know you all wish you were me.

Penelope seems a bit nervous. The DJ blind folds Penelope.

ZANE (CONT'D)
That's right, blind pleasure.

PENELOPE
I don't know about this.

Zane dips his finger in his wine and rubs it across her lips.
She takes in his finger, then bites.

ZANE
Owe.

DJ
Pleasure and pain, can this wedding get
any better? What's your favorite song
Penelope?

PENELOPE
I don't know, something funky.

DJ
How about some James Brown!

"I Feel Good" plays.

Zane starts dancing around Penelope. He ends at her feet.
Zane removes her right shoe, massaging it slowly. The garter
still hangs from his mouth. She extends her foot. He kisses
her foot, then loops the garter around her ankle. He slowly
rises up her leg, head under her dress. His hands stay
outspread to show he is still using his mouth.

The excitement and embarrassment rises to Penelope's face.
She doesn't stop him. Everyone eggs him on.

His head is fully submerged under her dress. He stays there
for a good long moment. She pushes his head back down,
laughing.

Zane comes out from under her dress, very excited. She
removes the blind fold from her eyes.

DJ (CONT'D)
That was the best I've ever seen.

ZANE
I feel good.

Penelope walks over to the table with Zane. They sit.

ZANE (CONT'D)
So does this mean we're dating now?

She playfully slaps him.

PENELOPE
I can't believe you did that.

ZANE
What? You're the hottest girl here.

PENELOPE
Oh, is that your line.

ZANE
I saw an opportunity.

PENELOPE
And you took it.

ZANE
You know I've always liked you. Oh my
God, did I just say that?

PENELOPE
It was either you or the drinks?

ZANE
I have to be truthful. I used to spy on
you getting dressed in my sisters room.

PENELOPE
What?

ZANE
If you were me, you'd do the same.

PENELOPE
Why didn't you ever tell me?

ZANE
What, hit on my little sister's best
friend? That's not cool, Maryrose would
of kicked my butt.

PENELOPE
Or stabbed you to death.

They both laugh.

ZANE
Wanna take a smoke break?

PENELOPE
I don't smoke.

ZANE
Me neither.

He grabs her hand, leads her outside. Maryrose catches them
leaving from the corner of her eye.

EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT

The moon shines down upon them. Zane pulls a joint from his
jacket, lights up. Coughing back the hit, hands it to her.

PENELOPE
(hits the joint, coughs)
This is strong.

Maryrose sneaks up behind them.

MARYROSE
What are you kids doing?

Penelope gets scared.

PENELOPE
Oh God, you scared me.

MARYROSE
(to Zane)
I can't believe you didn't invite me.

ZANE
Sorry sis, I didn't know how Phil feels
about it.

MARYROSE
He maybe my husband, but he ain't gonna
tell me I can't smoke a joint.

She passes it to Zane. Penelope eyes Phil.

PENELOPE
Speak of the devil.

MARYROSE
Oh shit, gotta go, thanks for the hit
Bro.

She leaves, takes Phil by the arm walks him away from them.

PENELOPE
Yeah, my ass she's doesn't give a shit
what he says. That's why I'm never
getting married.

ZANE
Well, unless your husband smokes.

They pass the joint back and forth a couple more times, he
stamps it out.

PENELOPE
Thank you.

He goes in for the kiss.

INT. BALLROOM HALL - LATER THAT NIGHT

Everyone is dancing having a great time.

The DJ gathers everyone into a Congo line. They all line up
dancing holding on to each person's hips in front of them.
They weave in and out of the others sitting at the tables.

FADE OUT.