2006 started out with dreams of recapturing that lost college
era of knowledge is power, productively pursuing a way to help out humanity and feel like I was doing something worthwhile. I do not mean to imply that being a stay at home mom and taking care of my home is
not worthwhile, but in today’s society, it is all about career women, having it all, doing it all. I felt brainwashed into believing if I am not working toward a BA in something and pursuing higher interests,
my life is thought meaningless. How can I be a hopeless failure if I am a full
time mommy? But that is exactly what is pushed down our throats. So off to college I bound into a philosophy intro to logic class, during the winter session, which is a
speedy run through material that otherwise you savor in spring and fall. Not
my forte, so after a grueling two weeks, I honorably withdrew until the spring session.
For a few weeks I wrestled with whether college was my answer. I gave
it one more try taking a class on the havoc of Alcohol and Drug Abuse on my way to being a career substance abuse counselor. The idea of it was intriguing. It was
fun to tell everyone what my new profession would be. After all, I was no longer
acting, and was getting tired of everyone asking what my next project would be. This
was a real job, after the entertainment affair that my family could respect me in. Of
course they respected acting to a degree, but it is a bit like chasing a dream and they would rather I was settled into something
more stable. But how stable would I be as a counselor seeing drug addicts all
day, time would tell. During midterms I was called to work as a background actor
on a new television pilot ‘60 Minute Man’. I played an office worker
and the premise was some guy leaving reality for 60 minutes at a time to another realm or something. I guess a new hour-long drama, who knows. I don’t even
watch television or have cable. I only rent movies, and occasionally a hit show
like ‘Six Feet Under’ or ‘CSI’ where I can rent the whole season without waiting each week at the
designated time to find out what happens. The best part about being on set that
day was our holding space. We were in a church somewhere off 3rd Street
Promenade in Santa Monica. The stain glass windows let in the softest colored
glow and I sat reading Angelina Jolie’s book Notes on My Travels. What
an amazing woman. I mean I have always adored her acting, but reading her journal
was a window into her soul while she traveled abroad on this very important journey as Goodwill Ambassador for the UN High
Commissioner for Refugees. In an era when it is all about what can I get for
myself, it is refreshing to see someone with her talent and money doing something to help others and set such a beautiful
example of how caring, loving, generous and selfless we can be if we choose to. When
I was actually called to set, I was apprehensive about putting down the book to go to work.
On set, I felt strangely out of place. No longer did I feel the burning
desire to act. Watching the director with the lead actors, made me sick. The constant direction, the innumerable takes of the same thing, over and over, started
driving down my nerves. I just wanted to curl up with Angie and listen to what
is really happening in the world outside the delusional Hollywood masquerade. My
life seemed to have separated from the high I use to obtain on set. Now I was
back at college, a student, a wife, a mother, and that defined who I was. I did
not feel like an actress anymore, nor did I want anything to do with it. It was
time to move on. Not that I would turn down a job if it happened to work out
with everyone’s schedule, which happened right before my finals in May when I went back to work at ‘Days of Our
Lives’ as a patron in their fancy French restaurant. I used my time there
to voice what it was I was doing now to the other actors and hear myself saying out loud my plans to be a counselor. Most everyone on set is usually talking about acting and where their next gig will
be. Here I was talking about leaving the industry and my new ideas for the future. I was almost trying to talk myself into this new role I had given myself and yet by
the time the college class ended a few weeks later I would talk myself out of it. With
the rigors of taking care of the home and Zyla, I could only commit to one or two classes a semester, meaning it might take
5 years just to get the certificate and AA degree. Then the professor kept telling
us that the life expectancy in this profession is five years, so when I weighed out all the work I would do in hopes of a
few years of work it all seemed like too much of my time being put into something I was not even sure I wanted anymore. School is confusing for many students and many go in pursuing one dream and end up
hating it and changing careers or masters mid-way through. It was a little tougher
on me because I was older and thought I would not be affected, after all I knew what I wanted to do right? Could it be my childhood creeping in on me, where I could never decide what I wanted. One week, an ice skater, the next a ballerina, or how about a gymnast, an astronaut, a spy, no let me try
modeling or acting. I constantly want to try everything and be everything. I think that is why acting enticed me so; I could live out many lives all in one job. How can you continue to hold excitement for one job forever? Why can’t we just follow the passion of our heart in everything, wouldn’t that make the most
sense? Wouldn’t that be the most productive? That might be suicide to your career. Everything you have
built up and worked for thrown away to follow something else. What if you fail? But it seems that sometimes in life we have to try and fear of failure be damned.
My husband and I got ourselves, and Zyla annual passports
to the Magic Kingdom for the first time. I spent most of the year casually enjoying
Disneyland and California Adventure in a way I never had before. Gone was the
hurried, frenzy to see every attraction and do every ride. Knowing we could come
back as often as we liked, gave me freedom to slowly explore every aspect of my favorite theme parks. I discovered a whole new perspective in enjoying the moment and not letting life flurry past, in a dizzying
blur. I recommend this to everyone. Life
can get so crazy at times, you forget to step back and take a breath and see the moments and enjoy them in a deeper way. Time is the key. We give away so much
of our time to our jobs, and errands, and to do lists. Our society is in a constant
rush to accomplish everything now, are we having any fun? Are we learning anything
about true happiness? What are we in such a hurry to get to? All that lies at the end of the rainbow is death. Death and
taxes right? The only two constant things we can count on. At least that is what I picked up in the philosophy class. And
speaking of class, it went really well. Even though I had talked myself out of
the counseling profession, I still made it to every lecture and learned about the damage alcohol and drugs can reek in every
aspect of our bodies. I received my A and took a hiatus from school to spend
the summer with Zyla. I guess I could have put her in day care, but she was starting
kindergarten in the fall and I wanted to spend a lot of time having fun with her. We
ran off to Disney of course, but also made our way to the beach every week, the woods, and I hiked her little butt off. She explored the stars with me on moonlit walks and I tried to make sure her mind
was stimulated by fantasy and fun. When she started up school in the fall, she
was refreshed and excited and hasn’t stopped begging to live there! For
a moment, I considered going back to school as well, but the fire wasn’t burning this time around. My professor had encouraged us not to pursue this industry if we were not absolutely driven. But now what was I going to do? Catholic School Mom was a
full time job in ways I never expected. Parents are encouraged and required to
immerse themselves in their child’s education as well as helping the school in numerous ways. Of course reading this in the literature and hearing it at back to school night really does not prepare
you for the reality of the experience. I was compelled to write about it and
submit it as a short story to a magazine. I had been paid to write in the past,
why not try that avenue again. I had no idea of all the markets for writers to
sell into. When I think of writers it is most often novelists, because that is
primarily what I read. Sitting down to write the big novel can be intimidating,
but there are scores of magazines and newspapers that are not looking for 300+ pages.
I do not need an official degree to write. Of course it wouldn’t
hurt and I would love to pursue more college when time opens up in my life for it, but for now I can solely focus on what
is going on, and using these moments to tie stories together entertaining, educating and enlightening others. It is the perfect job for me, weaving through my day and pouring out in my free moments, giving me everything
I want, freedom and time to still be a full time stay at home mom. Getting paid
and published I will leave in God’s hands. I just thanked God for this
breakthrough and felt my heart sing as this old profession stirred afresh within me.
The honor of being part of the SAG Nominating Committee was
bestowed on me this year. Only 2100 members of an over 120,000+ group are picked
annually to participate in choosing the candidates for the SAG awards. In the
spring and summer I was invited to a scattering of screenings, but the fun really pumped up in late fall when I started receiving
screeners of all the top movies of 2006, some just hitting the theaters! Most
of the premiers and screenings did not work out with my family schedule for me to attend, so the at home screeners really
helped me view all the work that had gone into 2006. I was able to go see ‘World
Trade Center’ on the big screen, which left me in tears. ‘Blood Diamonds’
jarred me as I recalled Angelina’s book. Here was Sierra Leone, one of
the places she had visited. I felt I had been there through her writing and understood
more clearly the work she was doing with the refugees and the painful reality of the rebels’ destruction. So many wonderful films this year, I asked my husband, who watched all the screeners with me, to help me
in choosing who would be up for best of the best.
In September, I received a phone call to come work on the
television show ‘Close to Home’. They were shooting a scene of parents
attending a back to school auction night. It felt so surreal since my daughter
was having this same night at her school in a few days. I was so engrossed
in kindergarten talk that mingling with adult actors proved a challenge. We were
shooting on location in Pasadena, when the director, Kevin Dowling, whom I had met and worked with last year on ‘Just
Legal’, noticed me on set and waved hello. I felt blessed he had never
called me to audition for anything. Acting is more than a full time job, with
interviews, research, memorizing, rehearsals and performance, demanding so much time away from my family. I don’t know what he did with my headshot he requested back then, nor do I care.
My mom sent me Rich Dad, Poor Dad by Robert Kiyosaki. For a month I became obsessed with how I could move into the B quadrant and be the
boss. I thought I might enjoy day trading until I read so many books about it
I drove myself insane. I can only imagine what would have happened if I had lost
any money trying that avenue. Not that Robert recommends it as he is into investment
property. I toyed with not paying my SAG and AFTRA dues since I was rebelling
against any further work that might be phoned into me. I had already turned down
countless parts that would not work out with the family schedule, including ‘Extra, Extra Management’ who finally
called almost exactly a year after I had gone to their re-shoot in November 2005. I
have heard there is some legality in that a background company you pay to be part of has to call you for work at least once
a year. Unfortunately they wanted me on Halloween and the day after. I could not possibly miss out on my daughter’s favorite holiday.
The year wound down to all the hoopla of Christmas and a
zillion birthdays in December in my family and extended family including Zyla’s and mine. Edward and I were invited to his office Christmas party being held at the Ronald Reagan Presidential
Library in Simi Valley. An enchanting evening spent sipping champagne with dinner
and dancing under the Air Force One. Taking a walking tour through this 727 airplane,
which retired just before 9/11, servicing Nixon through Bush, brought back memories of my father and his work in government
intelligence.
I read a beautiful book by Kathleen Norris called The
Cloister Walk, in which she shares her experiences with the Benedictine monks and sisters, not being Catholic herself. It reminded me of my own twisted way into Catholicism and definitely made me want
to take a vacation to a monastery, even if I cannot find the time now, it held insight and let me see through those eyes for
a little while until it is my time. I opened a new section on the website for
Testimonials. Not in the traditional sense, but of actors’ stories on how
they joined the Screen Actors Guild (SAG). I wrote mine and am encouraging others
who have shown an interest to share.
Another book that touched me was Sharon and My Mother-in-law
by Suad Amiry. Here is a Palestinian woman’s firsthand account telling
her story of life over in the Middle East during the Israeli occupation. It is
sad to read the reality of how terror affects everyone, Jews and Arabs alike. Will
humanity ever stop being at war? I watched
‘Flags of Our Fathers’ and it was so depressing. What was
the point of that war? Senseless death.
What is our country doing about the war on millions of murdered babies every year happening right here in the name
of abortion? Blood is being spilt everywhere.
I am glad I do not have a television signal anymore; to me freedom of speech in the news media has become a plot to
be desensitized by our governments controlled interpretation of events.
Erica Jong’s Seducing the Demon was captivating. She is so honest and real. She doesn’t
let fear of anything stop her from writing what she feels she has to write. I
hope to capture some of her spirit when I sit down to tell my stories, but most of all, I want to channel the divine and speak
out what God puts a fire in my heart to say with courage, and faith that I am following my dream on the perfect path to enlightenment
in unity with the Holy Trinity. May God’s will be done now and always. May God’s Peace shower our world. May
His blessings enrich you and your work now and forever.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.
~Jacqueline
Continue Reading Jacqueline's latest saga as she releases more memoirs in the next installment of LA's Atmosphere Part 3 ~
Slip Into Deja Vu! CLICK HERE!
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